Une · Aventure · Dans · La · Vie

I was just about to delete my last entry... but have decided againts it. I've been questioning what I feel a lot. Why should I really? I mean I'm gonna feel, what I'm gonna feel. I'm totally regretting the whole dating someone at work thing. What made me think that I could prevent it from getting weird? It's impossible apparently. I hate work now. I don't like going because I feel like things have changed way too much. Today was weird. My co-worker commented to me that it was weird how Brad was in a super hyper/happy mood but when he was briefing us he wouldn't even look at me. I noticed too. Not only that but he asked everyone what their most important sites were ... except for me. Actually, he finally did but it was 5 minutes later after we had gotten past that conversation and it seemed aqward. Oh and then there is the shortness he's adopted toward me. I called him to ask him a simple question about me picking up a site (trying to be helpful to move past this... oh and do my fucking job) and I got my head almsot bitten off... which is hard to do over the phone.

*Sigh* I probably shouldn't even be writing this all out but I figure since I've never told anyone I have a livejournal I'll be ok. I just have to get this crap out. I usually write on my myspace blog but that's WAY to out there. I feel like I'm bottling up a lot and my friends don't want to hear it since they all advised me againts it. Especially, Jake. He's really in that "I-told-you-so" mode. Meh.

I haven't been dealing either. For the past week I've been messing around with guys who I don't really like but want me. I thought it would make me feel better... but I think it only made things worse. I felt really sad today and it about killed me to get out of bed to go to work. I do feel like I could have done things differently with Brad and not fucked things up. A lot of it was me not being myself. I thought I could make him like me more by being something that he wanted... when originally all he wanted was the person I was. I'm stupid. I'm so compromising sometimes that I try to please everyone when it only makes me unhappy.

It's either all of that... or I'm cursed and doomed to live a life without love. Hmmm... a rather bleak thought.