Une · Aventure · Dans · La · Vie

Ha so much of me hates to post this kind of stuff for fear of jinxing what I have going... but this feels right. I'm falling in love. I haven't said it yet to him and I'm proud of myself for that... but I find myself thinking it all the time. It's not like a conscience thing either. He'll say something funny or so like me and I look at him and there it is. That warm love feeling. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man. The man I could see myself marrying. He's stable, secure, not crazy haha... he wants to build a yurt with me... kayak to some secluded islands near the San Juans... backpack in Peru... And for once, I know that we could do these things. The world is actually in reach and we could make these things happen. They aren't just dreams. They are things we will do in our life. I'll be living LIFE with a person I love. It's so amazing. This is all I've ever wanted and it's crazy/awesome to think... I've found it. I've ACTUALLY found it.

This has really turned into a journal about my break ups. I really don't write on here because I have my myspace... I do like this because no one knows this journal really. Hmmm... well Stefan is out of my life. I was going to write it all down back in July and probably needed to but my work banned lj. LOL. SO i didn't. I went through a really tough time but I'm all better now and ready to get up on that horse again.

I'm finding I don't really care about it all that much. I'm far more into work and school which will be starting tomorrow. I have my own store to manage in Seattle which is very cool. It's definitely an undertaking with the crazies and the yuppies.

School should be great... going for game design! I'll have to get back on how all that goes. :)

http://phocks.org/stumble/the-rules/

So when I first read these I thougth some of them were a little too conservative for a modern girl like me... but I thought about it and read the chapters and they really do make sense. Men should be gentlemen even in today's age.

1. Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"
2. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
3. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
4. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
5. Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
6. Always End Phone Calls First
7. Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
9. Play it Safe on Your First Few Dates
10. Reveal Yourself on Dates 4 through Commitment Time, but Stay Independant
11. Always End the Date First
12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
13. Don't See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
15. Don't Rush into Sex
16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
17. Let Him Take the Lead
18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
19. Don't Open Up Too Fast
20. Be Honest but Mysterious
21. Accentuatre the Positive
22. Don't Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
23. Don't Date a Married Man
24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family
25. Practice, Practice, Practice!
26. Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts
28. Be Smart
29. Take Care of Yourself
30. Next! Deal With Rejection
31. Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
32. Don't Break The Rules
33. Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Ever After!
34. Love Only Those Why Love You
35. Be Easy to Live With

Looks like I made a mess again
Heartbreak everywhere I step
This fire is getting hot again
But I touch the flame ‘cause I’m a curious cat
Creeping where I don’t belong
Finding out what I knew all along
Crying all alone
And it’s all my fault, all my fault

Yeah, I did it again...again

Oh, I’m getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it’s not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you’re feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn’t him
And that’s how I feel right now so just let me be
Let me be

It seems every time I find a good man
He’s got a good little wife
I’m not jealous but I won’t lie
I don’t want to hear about your wonderful life
And babies everywhere I look
Trophy wives with their little black books
At this rate I’m gonna end up alone
It’s probably all my fault, all my fault

Oh, another dead end…again

Oh, I’m getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending

That it’s not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you’re feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn’t him
And that’s how I feel right now

Bitter pill that I’ve swallowed
Just how low can my heart sink
Fairy tales from so long ago
Save them for someone that’s not smart enough to know

‘Cause I, I’m getting tired of believing
I’m through pretending
Yeah I’m broken and sad so I’ll sit this one out
Oh I think you’re feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn’t him
And that’s how I feel right now

How I feel right now
How I feel right now
How I feel right now
Let me be
How I feel right now
How I feel right now
How I feel right now
Let me be

I was given the suggestion that I should start writing a journal again. For me it's a lot easier to type and doing it on live journal has its perks. I can do it at work and no one knows me really except for some of you who have been kind enough to stick around for years reading my entries. I started writing on myspace to update my friends and family who see me every once in awhile. I deleted that recently because I felt like they were starting to know too much. Sometimes I don't know that it's ok for everyone to know your business. Live journal is different for me because for the most part no one i know, knows about it. Well the people i do know I don't mind reading it.

Just recently I broke up with my boyfriend. It was two weeks ago and it's been quite the rollercoaster ride. I'm sure that this is going to be an annoying journal for the next few weeks as I have been up and down and all around on where we stand. He's done some things that by all standards are un-forgivable... but I still love him. I'm sure I'll sound stupid in between my profound revelations but this time I'm going to write it all out. Every time I need to get it out... I will. Regardless.

I've been needing to vent without repercussions. When you bounce things off people you're going to get a standard response. Ok... so it seems maybe i should do a private journal... but that's not my style. I'm trying to get back to me. I think this is going to help.

Since Stefan, I've been attempting to get help. I went to a psychologist because it seemed that I may have more issues than I thought... since the break up with my 6 year relationship with James 2 years... things haven't been the same for me. I was diagnosed with being bipolar with a "mode" of borderline in relationships. Not to mention my abandonment issues. They put me on mood altering meds which so far have helped a bit. They make me not feel so... overwhelmed... one way or the other. I have had no grey area. Only black and white. Extremely happy, extremely sad.

I'm hoping that my writing will get me through. It's going to be a journey back to myself... or to finding myself. I just watched a movie "It had to be you"... ok it wasn't that good despite the fact that my TV lover from alias Michael Vartan was in it... but he made a good point... Sometimes if you write about a tragic experience it helps you to heal. SO with that said... this journal will now serve to help me heal :)

Not much going on. Went to the range yesterday and had a blast with my friends Jake and Vince. I didn't really get to shoot... well I wasn't suppose to since I didn't pay but Vince made me shoot his gun. It was pretty smooth. I thought the Glock 23 that I want had a bit too much kick so he suggested I get a 19 instead... longer barrel I guess so a little less kickiness. I'll try that next time. I'm not really sure that I would have been able to qualify but the gun qualifications are going on while I'm in Florida so I'm a little bummed but that's alright... I may not be able to anyway being that I've only been here a month.

Speaking of which... this morning one of the higher ups stopped me saying that he hadn't seen me in awhile. He asked how I like the job so far. I said it's good, a lot like the last place I was at... meaning it was easy to catch on to... he took it as it wasn't a big improvement. I noticed so I added... "...But like 10 times better!!" heh heh. He laughed. He asked me what my next plans were... I didn't quite catch his drift. HE noticed. He explained that he had been disappointed that I hadn't applied for the corporal position that had recently been interviewed for. I was sort of shocked. I told him I didn't feel I'd been here long enough. He told me that it was too bad because he's known a few really good supervisors that held back for the same reason only to let worse people be in charge... hmmmm... I wonder what he meant by that. ;) Oh well. I didn't really feel like being pitted against Jake. Another thing to ruin his life over. I mean I dated his roommate and then his friend, our supervisor... and it about ruined our friendship. meh. I'm so over it.

I'm letting this all be a lesson to me. I came into work determined to have a phone call with Brad and really talk things out. I mean I felt I had a right considering that we really didn't finish our "break-up" conversation... since I had to almost get stabbed at a call. (that's a whole 'nother story). Anyway, I've been really pissy about how I've felt he's been treating me. Turns out... I was probably just making it up. Well not so much. For whatever reason he wasn't able to look at me during the meeting, he just wasn't. By the end of the night and into the morning he was parking near me so we could talk and we hung out in the morning chatting (well for the most part, I try to let him go faster since I know he's really busy). I asked him about what's been going on with him lately and he was open about it. He got the house and I'm happy for him. It sucks that we won't hang out anymore, in most likely hood but I'll be his friend at work atleast. I'm done freaking out about this situation. I'm done. I feel extrememly stupid about the whole thing and need to calm down! I don't really understand my thought process sometimes.

In other news, I had a man with a severly bleeding head at one site last night and then a man with a heart attack at another. I'm just drawing in the medical emergencies the past couple of night. I also had a buglary... the woman was histerical. I stayed with her the whole time ... and even after the officer took her report she requested that I stay, thanking me for calming her and being so optimistic. SEE SPD! i'm not totally void of emotion. Jerks. I love being in the field SO much more than in the comm center. Plus, the cop was really cute ;)

I was just about to delete my last entry... but have decided againts it. I've been questioning what I feel a lot. Why should I really? I mean I'm gonna feel, what I'm gonna feel. I'm totally regretting the whole dating someone at work thing. What made me think that I could prevent it from getting weird? It's impossible apparently. I hate work now. I don't like going because I feel like things have changed way too much. Today was weird. My co-worker commented to me that it was weird how Brad was in a super hyper/happy mood but when he was briefing us he wouldn't even look at me. I noticed too. Not only that but he asked everyone what their most important sites were ... except for me. Actually, he finally did but it was 5 minutes later after we had gotten past that conversation and it seemed aqward. Oh and then there is the shortness he's adopted toward me. I called him to ask him a simple question about me picking up a site (trying to be helpful to move past this... oh and do my fucking job) and I got my head almsot bitten off... which is hard to do over the phone.

*Sigh* I probably shouldn't even be writing this all out but I figure since I've never told anyone I have a livejournal I'll be ok. I just have to get this crap out. I usually write on my myspace blog but that's WAY to out there. I feel like I'm bottling up a lot and my friends don't want to hear it since they all advised me againts it. Especially, Jake. He's really in that "I-told-you-so" mode. Meh.

I haven't been dealing either. For the past week I've been messing around with guys who I don't really like but want me. I thought it would make me feel better... but I think it only made things worse. I felt really sad today and it about killed me to get out of bed to go to work. I do feel like I could have done things differently with Brad and not fucked things up. A lot of it was me not being myself. I thought I could make him like me more by being something that he wanted... when originally all he wanted was the person I was. I'm stupid. I'm so compromising sometimes that I try to please everyone when it only makes me unhappy.

It's either all of that... or I'm cursed and doomed to live a life without love. Hmmm... a rather bleak thought.

Well. Brad and I broke up. It really sucks. I'm actually heartbroken but not to a point of being unable to function. That's actually a first for me. I put (and as he pointed out) way to much emotion out there and therefore get hurt too easily. He's right.

I talked to a psychic last night, before we broke up. She said that I should check out this place called Unity Church in Seattle and take karate lessons. I need an interior makeover. I'd have to agree. It seems these days I'm more into my appearence (looks and rep with people) than anything else. I've lost my self-confidence. It's weird to me because it seems like I'm a good enough actress to pull in guys. I've had more guys than ever after me this year. There is something missing though. First of all these aren't the kind of guys I want to be with. I guess that's what makes me the most sad... Brad was different. He's just too wrapped up in pleasing others instead of himself. For instance, he's doing multiple activities, not because he wants to but because he feels obligated. Gawd I know the feeling. Been there done that. Maybe we met to be a motivation and teacher to each other. We both definitely have something learn and teach.

I sat in on a Tae Kwon Do class today. I've made a promise to myself to join. The psychic said that in 4 weeks I won't recognize the insecure person that I am today. I have to say that just doing this stuff today makes me feel impowered. I love it. I'm going to church Sunday as well. 4 weeks. An easy promise :D

*Sigh* Work sure is boring. I've decided that I like my myspace... but livejournal is "a little" more secretive. It's sort of hard to find me. Well ... using my wit I found a friend of mine's journal but I'm special. I dunno. Not much has really been happening other than the fact that I'm PMSing and bitchy. I feel bad. It's like I expect Brad to know what to do after only a few weeks of dating. It's unfair. I'm so used to having a boyfriend who has been a boyfriend for years that I forget. Not to mention I feel like I've known Brad for years. Meh. I'm horrible. He's so busy and I'm so selfish. I can't expect him to change his life for me overnight. It just doesn't work that way... and I most definitely wouldn't do it. I was thinking about earlier this year and how no man could pry me from my band obligations and therefore I didn't date. I just said no. That made me realize I was being a bit irrational about him. I just like having a phone call to see how he's doing or to say hi. When I like someone I think about them a lot and what we can do together and when I experience things I want to share it with them. If too much stuff builds... I'll burst with talkativeness... and that's overkill. haha. I feel like crap. *Deep breath* I'm probably just bored.

This month has been amazing. I've finally met someone who has sent me head-over-heels. I can't explain how happy I am. I don't think I've ever really had a connection like the one I have with him. We've talked about how this holiday season will be fun. I can't wait ;) I love being with someone when it's snowy and magical for the christmas season. I feel more than anything like I'm going to mess up though. It makes me anxious. I wonder why I feel like I'm pre-destined to fail? Maybe because I have so many times before. Well I'm hoping I can make this time be different ;)

Well. I've spent a whole day working on band stuff. I had practice at noon... since we are about to help out someone with a little recording project at the art institute... which means free song for us! Yay.

We then went to look at a space to practice since I'm moving at the end of the month and we'll be without :( not so good.

Since then I've been working on trying to find a bassist. Posting posting posting. sheesh! Let me know if you know of anyone in the Seattle area!!! :)

I think I'm gonna go watch some tv and give my butt a rest from this computer chair.

-Shelly

P.S. Check out my band and sign the guestbook if you do!!!
http://www.DeceptiveCadence.net

I just got home. Finally! I am so tired. I took the bus last night… and therefore took it this morning. I ended up walking… a lot. I missed my first bus. One thing I like about riding the bus is that I can look at all the historical buildings in Seattle as we drive by. Normally, I’m driving and am more worried about the shitty drivers juggling their Starbucks and cellphones. You never know when they’ll just drift into your lane absentmindedly… no turn signal or anything. Doo duh doo. I digress…

While I was working for SPD I got really into Seattle’s history. I love to look around and try to see the buildings as they once were back when they were first built. I noticed an older building the other day that had large dilapidated letters, reading “Now Fireproof.” It made me wonder if that was due to the Grand Opera House fire of 1906… or more likely the second in 1917 when it actually burned quite badly. The interesting thing is that after the first fire happened the owner, John Cort, decided to make The Moore Theater his principle venue instead of the Grand in 1907. A fun fact: He later opened the Metropolitan in 1911. I was just thinking about the Moore today as we passed it… wow… almost a century ago. Now the Grand is just parking garage at 217 Cherry St. Downtown.
-----------------------------

Okay also, the grossest thing happened to me last night. I was sitting at the Burien park-and-ride at 2145hrs waiting for my second bus, when this guy starts backing up in my direction. I thought he was just moving out of the way of someone but he started to get “too close” so I exclaimed an “excuse me….” Just as the dude stopped… and farted next to my face. I got up so fast. Ew. He’s lucky I didn’t kick him. I only thought about that afterward. The guy seemed like he must have been mental or possibly had a creepy fetish. *Shudder* Why me? I seriously attract the Creepies.

I'm trying to decide if I should post the same journal entries I do on myspace ... here. That doesn't seem to make sense. I figure, if someone can figure out where my livejournal is... then they get bonus features. Like a dvd. Now. What to write about? Should I spill my deepest darkest secrets here instead? I don't think I could do that on myspace... although I've done a pretty good job of it so far. Hmm... this needs some thinkin' on...

AH! My myspace isn't working. It's frustrating. I've been primarily blogging there. I'm not really sure why.... but I like to. www.myspace.com/_what_the_crap. <---- that's me. I guess they are doing some routine maintenence.

Nothing new going on with me. Work. Sleep. The usual. I got a promotion of sorts yesterday. I'm taking over my friend jake's position who got lead. It's basically acting lead for 4 days of the week. So it looks like I'll be on swings on Friday and Saturday (ew the worst days to be swing), sunday and monday graves, and then tuesday graves on the central route in downtown seattle. I'm not really looking forward to having Wednesdays and Thursdays off. ick... I think that's what I had before I changed to the south route. I'll miss my fridays. Oh well. Looks like the other lead may be leaving soon... and in that case... I'm next up for it. YAY. That would be a dollar raise.

Today, I went into my bosses office to say hi. I did it because he's new and I heard that he wants the same "relationships" as the old manager of patrol had. So to be nice I stopped in to say good morning... and instead I got grilled about getting my gun cert. FIRST of all... They sent me in there without ever having shot a gun at the range so what the hell did they expect? If was supposed to take a basic class first they should have asked me if i had. But they didn't so what the crap. I could have said that... but instead I decided not to rat out the old manager and assistant mang... since she was sitting right there. So i basically took the fall for why I didn't and hadn't gone to practice. Stupid. Now I feel all anxious. I hate that.

Well... single again... ha ha. Matt and I broke up a few weeks ago... didn't like that I still was friends with James. Ah well. heh heh... no big just thought i'd post it since it happend.

I just got a myspace!!! I love it... I've found almost all my friends from highschool doing it!!!! Ah it's so great to see everyone again too. YAY. It's just nice to know that people actually think about me and miss me :)

Tomorrow I have an interview for a patrol officer position... hope i get it!

Then after that I'm heading to the ocean :) mini vacation for a couple days. I am sooooo excited :)

..... IF ANYONE ON HERE HAS A MYSPACE COMMENT WITH YOU PAGE SO I CAN ADD YOU AS A FRIEND!!!!!

I sure am ready for bed. Well actually that's not true, because now that I've taken a caffiene pill I am awake as ever. I am sooooooooo bad. I have updated in quite awhile. I have a new boyfriend! His name is Matt. I like him very much. We met at a Team Sleep concert (the lead singer of Deftones new project) on July 24th. He was the third guy I dated (i went on a small dating spree after I got broken up with)... and he was the best one of all. I was actually VERY amazed to meet someone so perfect for me. Okay there are *some* things that we disagree on but it's no big deal. We make each other laugh a whole lot and we've pretty much hung out with each other everyday since we've met. It's kind of a crazy weird connection. What's crazy is that usually people really start to bug me by ... oh ... the end of the 1st week hanging out with them everyday. So far it's not been bad.

We've gone camping and hiking and a whole bunch of stuff. I like it. Oh. I didn't mention... he's a drummer :) Yay.

Being single again is weird. There are so many things that I want to do... but am used to going with someone, so I can't. I don't have any single friends. What the crap? It seems like every time I make plans to hang out with one of married, engaged, or otherwise commited friends... I get cancelled on. again...What the crap?

However, I've been doing a lot of work at my old apartment as well as my new house... and it's a workout!!! Not to mention, I don't think I've been snacking at all. So i'm sure I'll lose a lot of weight in no time. I think I'll get back into doing yoga everyday and everything!

I sort of have a date even lined up... but I'm not expecting much. I'm sort of not ready, but I figure what better way to get back out there than to dive in (or belly flop) head first. Hey, that's what I did with my stick shift, and that turned out alright.

Moving is such chore. Well, actually I've been painting for the most part... prepping for next weekends moving. It shall be interesting.

Over the weekend I visited my friend Jen for a lively 4th (well 2nd) of July party. I just have to say that her husband Chad and I kicked ass in the karaoke competition! Rock on!

Got home around 3am and then sleep straight until noon! Yay! I like sleeping like that, I don't get enough of it... ever!

The current situation with James and I... Off... well very off after last night. It started great with a friendly phone call... but then he said he had to go and said he's "maybe" call me back. I hate that. I want an “I will call back” or “I will not call back.” Who likes sitting by the phone?! Well... as you can imagine, he did not call back so I called him and we had us quite the bitch-fest. Honestly, I'm having a bit of difficulty being "just friends" with him. It drives me nuts that he didn't even try to work things out with me, he just moved to his mom's and that was that.

So you know what is happening... after he moved in with his mom, he was really very mean to me, in the way he spoke to me... until... I got asked out at work. Then he wanted to be with me again. Told me I was his "family." He asked me to cancel the date. I went on it anyway. Unfortunately, this particular "date" didn't go so well... with talking on the cell phone through dinner and everything!!! pleh. So... I realized how mature James can be... sometimes. And that I tend to take it for granted. So I waited a couple of days to say that I felt the same (about the whole family thing)... well we were back together for about 2 days until he stopped talking to me again, and called me a stalker because I stopped by his house... (Because I hadn't talked to him in 2 days) We had it out over that because it was ridiculous... if I'm going to be a stalker, damn-it I will earn that title! I didn't even get to put a bloody cow's heart in a box of roses or anything!!!!

So, after all that particular fight, I said that we are either together, or we are not, but i couldn't talk to him anymore... not as an ultimatum, but as hey it hurts way too much to talk to you!!! So, again he said he had to go... asked him if he would call back, said maybe... didn't call. Damn! I needed an answer!! So I left him a message to call me to get his stuff, but i took that as an answer... and it's over. Didn't talk for a week. Until I called him to ask him to get his stuff... hung out for a few days... didn't talk for 2 days (no fight this time, just busy as hell) and then here we are... after last night's (what did I call it? oh yeah...) BITCH-FEST 2005!